


Scruggles 3:  "I Have A Medical Condition"

by hitchhikersguidetothealexy



Series: The Adventures of Scruggles McGee [3]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Screenplay/Script Format, Scruggles McGee - Freeform, transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:47:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29199360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hitchhikersguidetothealexy/pseuds/hitchhikersguidetothealexy
Summary: yet another addition to the scruggles saga. lmk if you wanna act in the recording
Relationships: Elias Bouchard | Jonah Magnus & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Series: The Adventures of Scruggles McGee [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2098125
Comments: 17
Kudos: 20





	Scruggles 3:  "I Have A Medical Condition"

[CLICK]

[ambient sounds Elias intoning fear monologues]

ROSIE  
Excuse me, but his next appointment is here. 

JON  
He has another appointment?

ROSIE  
Yes.

MARTIN  
How is that possible?

ROSIE  
His acid dealer is here. 

[sound of Heelies rolling into the top room of an unholy Panopticon]

SCRUGGLES  
Oh hey guys. What’s goin on?

MARTIN  
Scruggles? What are you doing here? 

SCRUGGLES  
Well I have a job, don’t I? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love just being the guy who lives in the tunnels and eats raw meat and reads Warrior cats, but primarily, I am an acid dealer.

MARTIN  
Oh right I forgot about that. 

[sound of an eldritch god descending to receive acid]

ELIAS  
Oh hey Scruggles what’s up?

[sounds of a complex handshake that goes on far too long]

MARTIN  
You can just...come down?

ELIAS  
Yeah sure. I mean, Scruggles is here. I can’t be rude to my boy Scruggles. 

MARTIN  
But we were here first! 

ELIAS  
Yeah sorry I didn’t notice I was busy.

MARTIN  
I threw a brick at your head!

ELIAS  
Oh. Um. Ouch?

MARTIN  
Did it actually hurt?

ELIAS  
I mean, emotionally.

JON  
Wait, why are you holding a camera?

ELIAS  
Oh sorry that was from another fic don’t worry about it. 

SCRUGGLES  
I can take that for you! 

ELIAS  
Okay sure just like don’t look at any of the pictures.

MARTIN  
If you’re an all powerful fear god now then why do you need acid?

ELIAS  
Okay so you know how feeding off the terror of a rotting world is incredibly delicious? 

[simultaneous]

MARTIN  
No. 

JON  
Yes. 

ELIAS  
Well it tastes even better when you’re tripping. 

JON  
Can I...can I have some?

MARTIN  
Hey! 

JON  
Never mind. Sorry. I shouldn't have asked.

SCRUGGLES  
Are you sure? All it costs is a pat on the head!

JON  
Yeah I’m sure. I’m not gonna pat you on the head, Scruggles.

[sound of Elias patting Scruggles on the head]

ELIAS  
Okay well back to work.

[sound of fear god re-ascending]

JON  
Wait, Scruggles. Elias trusts you, right?

SCRUGGLES  
Everyone trusts me because I am incapable of lying. It’s a medical condition.

MARTIN  
Right, you have a medical condition. 

JON  
So has he told you how it's possible to defeat him?

SCRUGGLES  
Yeah of course. He tells me everything since we’re best friends. 

[silence]

JON  
Can you tell us?

SCRUGGLES  
Yeah okay! But it’ll cost you.

JON  
I’m not patting you on the head. 

SCRUGGLES  
Okay fine. You can only defeat him through the one power that is stronger than fear. The one power in the world that is superior to all other forces in the universe. The one power that rules us all. 

JON  
And...what’s that?

SCRUGGLES  
There is only one thing in the world with more sway than the pits of our own terror. 

JON  
What is it?

SCRUGGLES  
Only one way to keep reality from--

JON  
WHAT THE FUCK IS IT SCRUGGLES 

SCRUGGLES  
The power of dance.

MARTIN  
You mean the only way to defeat him is through a dance battle?

SCRUGGLES  
Yes. 

JON  
You can’t be serious. 

SCRUGGLES  
Would I lie to you?

JON  
I literally have no idea.

SCRUGGLES  
Well I'm telling you that I wouldn’t. I’m actually incapable of lying. It’s a medical condition.

MARTIN  
Right, you have a medical--

JON  
YES WE ALL KNOW THAT SCRUGGLES HAS A SERIES OF MEDICAL CONDITIONS.

SCRUGGLES  
Okay so like have you seen the movie Knives Out?

MARTIN  
Yes! So do you throw up when you lie like the Ana de Armas character?

SCRUGGLES  
What? No, I’ve never seen it actually. I was just wondering if you had. 

MARTIN  
Oh. Why?

SCRUGGLES  
Um it was supposed to be like really good? Wait she throws up when she lies? Gross.

MARTIN  
What happens when you lie? 

SCRUGGLES  
I ooze puss. 

JON  
Wait hold on could we get back to the part where we have to have a dance battle?

SCRUGGLES  
Yeah that’s totally true.

JON  
Well. Okay, I guess that’s it then.

MARTIN  
What?

JON  
I’m not doing that.

MARTIN  
But-- but the world depends on it!

JON  
Yeah but I can’t dance.

MARTIN  
Neither can he. 

SCRUGGLES  
Actually he can. We took salsa lessons together. 

JON  
See? I can’t compete with that. I don’t know salsa. 

SCRUGGLES  
I could teach you. 

JON  
I will not let you touch me. 

SCRUGGLES  
Don’t be embarrassed! Salsa is easy. It’s all about the hips.

JON  
I'm not embarrassed, it’s just that your hands are still covered in ground beef.

SCRUGGLES  
Oh right I forgot about that.

[sound of Scruggles wiping the raw meat off his hands]

SCRUGGLES  
Okay how about now? 

MARTIN  
Did you just wipe your hands off on me?

SCRUGGLES  
Yes.

JON  
I told you! I’m not doing it! I would rather let the world die than ever dance! It doesn’t matter if it’s salsa or swing or tap or modern--

SCRUGGLES  
Are you sure? Because I think you could probably win with tap.

JON  
I will not tap dance. 

SCRUGGLES  
I will. 

JON  
Can YOU end the apocalypse?

SCRUGGLES  
Now I’m just letting you know that at some point in the future, I will tap dance. Can’t tell you when though. That’ll spoil the surprise. Maybe in the next fic. Who knows.

JON  
Fine. I’m not going to dance and that is the end of it. 

MARTIN  
So we’re just gonna sit here and listen to eldritch incantations? 

JON  
Yes. 

ELIAS  
According to all known laws of aviation--

JON  
Okay I can’t handle this anymore give me some tap shoes. 

[CLICK]

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! if u enjoyed, consider following:
> 
> twitter and tiktok: @alexyquest  
> tumblr: seizethe-memes-ofproduction  
> alexyquest.itch.io  
> alexjkingsley


End file.
